she will be loved

11.28.2012

IMG_9818 IMG_9821 IMG_9819 IMG_9828 i won't pretend. i won't, i won't. slip into the monotome of happy when i write, because its so much easier to do. finding nice words is always easy. its the gritty ones that tell the truth that don't come to mind as quick. i've contemplated whether or not to publish this post many times through. my intention is for my readers to see His work and His truths through my story. afterall, if my life were sunshine and roses, His love would not have been revealed to me in the way that it is through my pain. not that my life is a web of trials, but its seems fake to come here and write only of the good moments. so here is mine. i know this is a good sized bite to undertake, but i want to be real. this isn't meant to be sad, just real. and i hope as you read, you'll bare with me.
i've cried more in the past two years than all of my nineteen. crying. the word sounds so hopelessly sad and pitiful, i almost want to find some cheerier looking synonym to replace it. though i know that it comes despite if i want to or not, sometimes i simply need a good cry. you get that horrible lump formed in the middle of your throat, your voice goes and you gulp for air like some seal, your eyes swell with water that streaks down your cheeks leaving behind cold itchy wetness and trailing along the part in your lips so you can taste salt. i admit i am a crier. holding in tears is more painful than letting them out. and crying makes you better, i'm not sure how, but it does almost every time. when you feel dishearted, there are no words that can express feelings like tears can. its getting through those minutes of wrenching brokeness that hurts the most.
besides being a crier, i am an overthinker. usually i create problems within my head that weren't meant to be there in the first place. my mind takes great leaps from here to there, far too ahead into my future and pulled backward into my past. dwelling more than what's good for me in the now. for some, depression of sorts takes years to develope. i can singley think myself into a depressing mood within seconds. at times the impossible thought developes in my mind, am i even loved? its crazy, yes. but i have my moments. when all i'd like to do is crawl under the covers of my bed and press my head into my pillow and sleep for days, letting myself dream and secome myself to a world of white noise nothingness. when all i'd want is to get in my car and drive for hours till i find a place so far from my troubles that the distance would stand between me and my negative thoughts. though i can't. i'm left in the place where i began to worry and where i think i can't go on.
looking back, i want to share with you these two moments.

my dad and i stand in the kitchen, my arms hang awkwardly at my sides as i listen to his voice. he speaks only truth, only truth. i'm scared and so is he. his wife, my mom, has been battling cancer for so long now and we've been met with days when its hard to get by. so, so hard. but neither one of us are pretending anymore. its okay to break down and show that you're scared. because we have each other. family isn't just a word, its a bond and a promise. to look out for one another and to be there when you have to cry your eyes out and say that you're frightened. because sometimes you can get so frightened. his voice though, it brings me back. his is the voice i've heard every day of my life. tones of comfort and surety. his words are real and i know i can trust them. because that's what a father is for, trusting in. my dad is more than a parental figure who instructs and keeps my family strong, he is someone who sympathizes with me when i don't understand why things happen. he never fails to give me hope again.

i am sitting in the passenger seat, he is driving. late summer countryside passes by us. before this, my day has been one of those hard ones. one when its hard to get by. i was lying on the living room sofa when he walked up the front porch steps, without a thought i fell into his embrace as he came through the door.
do you want me to take you away from here?
yes.
okay, come on, lets go away.
because i thought i could get away from everything that was bothering me. the feelings inside about my mom and how unfair i thought of life to be like this for us. but no. here i am sitting in the passenger seat, crying my eyes out as he steers the wheel gently down the road. expressing my thoughts through written words is one thing, but expressing them by tongue is a task. i'm sure half of what i'm saying isn't making sense to him, for it barely makes sense to me. i spill thoughts and feelings and worries and fears. i tell him what my heart aches to let go of. and he listens, silently, keeping eyes on the road, but i know he is listening. when he stops the car, he reaches for my hand and holds it. kisses it tenderly. and i wonder what i did to deserve a love like his. someone who knows just what to say, just what to do. my best friend who will let me unload on him, who will take what i am carrying onto his own back.

i am loved. though i cannot be sure of many things, i am sure of this. love is greater than fear, than doubt, than sickness. in the midst of my sadness, i have a father who sympathizes with me, i have a friend who takes my words of fear. they're the ones in life that i do not deserve, they are the ones who get me through. and these two people remind me of Someone ever more loving, they are lights which point back to a Light brighter than any other. when i feel lost and alone and afraid, Jesus is there. never leaving or forsaking, always guiding and working. quite frankly, i cannot comprehend why He loves me, when i fail to walk with Him and run to Him daily. but still, He chases after me. i am sought out, a city not forsaken (isaiah 62||12). and has given me two examples of His love. my dad and my guy. and my friends and people who will randomly call or text just to check in with me. all of you. though it may feel like i have a load on my plate, i don't have to bare it all by myself or keep it bottled up inside. God has given me so many good friends, people who genuinely care and love and won't stop loving and caring. they're here to walk along side of me, a constant reminder of what my Father does for me. catches me when i fall. lifts me up off the ground. pulls me back on the path when i stray. loves me, loves me, loves me. what's more; He has placed others around me. so i do not have to go through life alone. to reflect His love. to reflect the love that is much deeper than any i have ever known.

9 comments:

  1. this made me cry. it is without a doubt the best thing you've ever written. I love you, mads.

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  2. this really made tears come into my eyes. this is so incredibly beautiful; and every word is true. praying for you, girl! ::hug::

    xo,
    mikailah

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  3. WOW. I needed this so much right now, and it made me cry. Praying for you :)

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  4. Please...please...please read Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick. :) I love your writing so much, and please NEVER STOP WRITING even when it's hard.

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  5. ((HUGS)) Praying for you Madison.

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  6. I'm a crier too, and I cried reading this.

    Beautifully painful, painfully beautiful. Heartfelt.

    These are some really powerful, hard, and beautiful words, sweet friend. I can only echo carlotta...some of the best you've ever written. not because it's about something light and happy, but because it's something personal and raw that you wrote honestly. the depth, the goodness of it, is present in the honesty and realness in every word.

    love you lots, mads.
    xo,
    h

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  7. thank you for being real, mads. this was beautiful and heart-wrenching, and I can relate on so many levels. (even if it's just because I think crying is good and I overthink everything.) but also, there have been two times in my life where my mom was so sick that she was literally bedridden for a year--twice this happened, 5 years apart from one another. there are times when I forget how hard those years were. and I don't mean to complain when I say to be grateful for a loving and supportive dad every day of your life, because that's one thing I didn't have in my dad. and just...God is so good. and one day you're going to look back and see what a beautiful story he was creating out of all of this. and it's so beautiful to see now your hope in him. love you tons, girl.

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  8. Madison. This really made me tear up a little bit, and I'm not a crier. The words about standing in the kitchen with your dad and how you found it hard to explain how you were feeling in the passenger seat...these moments were just so real and, simply put, left emotions raw and without a damper. This was just such an honest post and I wanted to leave you a little note saying: thank you for sharing. The world need more people who are honest about how they feel. I hadn't been to your blog in quite a while, but I hope I can visit more often after this because these words really touched my heart. xoxo.

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  9. Thank you for sharing this! You are such a strong person and a such a talented writer! i wrote about my little guy having autism this week and I completely understand what you mean about it being so hard not to talk about the happy when there is so much to be grateful for....I think sometimes the sad is what keeps us connected and lets you know you have support from people you never even knew!

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